I'm trying not to eat after 8 pm

Today I failed. I had some tortilla chips just before 9. I couldn't help myself. They were so salty. So crisp. So unassuming in their nearly unseasoned state. They are, simply, my "I don't wanna eat much, but I wanna eat something" go to snack.

I solved the yen for something on my palette with a whisky tonight. That worked. Earlier I'd tried some pear flavoured green tea. That wasn't bad, but it didn't work, obviously. Read the confession above. 

Eating after 8, or worse after 10, has contributed to a long string of bad nights. I get to bed late because my gut feels leaden. So I read. Not a bad thing, but still, not sleeping. As the clock approaches 1:00 am I tell myself to stop reading. I turn off the light. I lie on my back. I wait. 

Sleep hovers somewhere up above the moon. Somewhere up and to the left of heaven. I lie on my back for maybe 3 minutes and then I turn and lie on my side - my left side, facing away from M. Another few minutes pass. Sleep begins to descend the ladder. 

I might as well be using a stone pillow. I turn a full 180' rotation to face M. Maybe spoon. It depends which way she's facing. This serves little purpose really. I know from long experience that I will not fall asleep while spooning. You can guess why. 

I sigh. I turn back onto my back. When I was recuperating from my broken kneecap I had to sleep on my back. At first this was hell, but like all things you are forced to do, you figure out how it can work and you make do. Soon you're used to it. Then you have a taste for it. 

Lying on my back is the most comfortable position for the wait, but by 1:30 I've lost faith in it too. So I'm back to my left side, facing south. My head to the east, in case you're wondering whether the energy's moving in the right direction. I think it is. Still, I've had to wait a long time for sleep to descend. 

Occasionally I roll onto my stomach. This is just a time waster. A position changer. It's interim at best. I will not sleep this way. I will sigh. I will face south. Then I will face M. I will consider spooning again. I will think maybe ... 

Of course that makes me sleepy, but not M. And she's already asleep. So this is not a fair way to solve my problem. Of course there is the issue of desire, and the work involved in cultivating it. One can't just charge in without some softening of the defenses. But I digress.

I'm convinced that my sleep troubles are gut related. Appetite-related. I don't often remember dreams, so I can't say that I dream more when I eat before I sleep. I can say that when I eat before I sleep, I sleep less.

By 2:45 it's near crisis mode. I get up. Go to the toilet. Use it. Wander back. Think about trying another bed. Ask myself why I haven't just stayed up reading. Ask myself why I can't write late at night. Ask myself whether I'm asking too many questions. Answer? Yes.

At 6:45 the radio starts in. Wow. I'm not ready for this. By 7:30 I'm up. By 7:40 I'm on my bike. By 8:05 (depending on the wind) I'm at work. I'm okay and all, but it's not ideal. I'm too fixated on the leisure of Saturday and Sunday mornings.

So I'm working on giving up eating after 8. I'm pretty sure this is going to solve the problem. I hate getting old. You have to start (more?) good habits. 

Ride report

in:      -15'C wind 25ks NW

out:   -13'C wind 15ks WNW