It's okay. I'd rather meet milestones without much fanfare or mourning. Tonight was one of those small moments. My youngest sang and played in her last school concert. We didn't take pictures. I watched from backstage because someone needed to sign up to supervise and no one else was doing it, so I did. (That's another personal issue I have to manage, in itself, to be sure.) I watched from the side. Watched her breathe in and out and play and sway and move and sing. It was, in its own way, a perfectly calm and joyful celebration, but it was another ending for her, and for us.
We're less than a month away from graduation and then it will be more or less final. That doesn't mean that the "parenting" is done, but it means that it gets different. It's been shifting that way anyway, so when the youngest one gets up and goes it doesn't feel quite as unsettling. But it will feel empty. We took some time to settle in to suppers for three, rather than four, much less five. Now we're down to two for the long haul - as they say.
You know, you spend time and money building a house and providing for these things called children, and then when they go you've got this stuff, and these ideas and expectations, still hanging around insisting on something. I don't know what. But you have to re-invent yourself. Before kids you're thinking about when and how many. When you have kids you're thinking about getting through the day, the week, the month, the year, the school, whatever. When you're kids leave you're wondering what to think about.
I know it won't be that abrupt, since they're still going to need money and help moving and money and a place to get stuff, or store stuff, and money, for a few years. Still you're confronted with a new quest for purpose. I, for one, look forward to sorting this out. Not that I want the kids out now, but I know it'll be a good thing for all of us when they head out to spend time away - without fanfare or mourning.
Ride report
in: 10'C wind 20 ks NW
out: 10'C wind 50 ks WNW
No comments:
Post a Comment