I'm mixing my metaphors. Spurts. Paths. Enough of that. I am so slow to believe. I know, if you know me, you know that I have a gullible side - a "want to believe it" side - that keeps me going. But in truth I don't really believe in myself, or in the goodness I apparently hope for.
I say apparently because when I rave on about how things could be or should be better, I recognize a kind of fundamentalism of hope. It's in my genes I think. One philosopher (I recall who - John Gray?) says that "hope" is pernicious and the root of religion and foolishness because it distracts us from the toil and crap of today; it averts our eyes upward to some vista that may as well be a mirage.
Rather, one must examine the crap, pay attention to the labour at hand. This is such an obvious maxim. Live in the now. Do what you do now, well, and confront it when it's bad. Stop then, and proceed to the next good thing to do. Seek only to know enough to tell good from bad, and then to do it (the good that is).
And what is good? What does one draw on to determine that? I had a dream last night. I'd fallen behind again. We'd been called in to work. It was an email message that I had seen but not opened. When I finally did open it, I was already late. So I rush out the door. Better late than never I think. Even though it's on my Christmas holidays that's the sort of power my boss has over me. It's a whole staff affair, and it's some kind of a trust-building activity day. I get there just in time to help a group of them try to lift and roll (or were we trying to bounce it?) a large tractor tire the size of the ones that are used on four-wheel-drives. The goal is to move it from one line to another one, but the tire starts out in a kind of a ditch, so we have to roll it up the ditch hill first. It's heavy. It's hard. The tire wants to roll back down.
Sisyphus. This is the first sign of bad. Engaging a contrived task that threatens to become repetitive, alone or with others, that has no inherent meaning or purpose. We roll the tire not because it needs to be moved, but because the authority has asked us to, and because we trust that authority and each other to be looking out for our best interests. But we suspect they're not. We suspect they're looking out for their own best interests. We suspect that we are putting off our own best interests in an attempt to garner their favour, and the favour of those around us. This is bad.
I know this means I'm defining good in the negative. That is, if I can figure out what is bad, then I'm halfway to determining what is good. Well, halfway certain is better than not certain at all. I'll take that much for now. It's taken me a while to see that just persevering in doing bad stuff, isn't good. Just because perseverance is virtuous doesn't mean that practicing it is always taking you down the path to goodness. I've spent a lot of time and energy being mad at others for working hard at foolish tasks, and even hating my own foolishness in engaging such tasks. So now I must engage in the task of undoing this habit of mind, this way of being, that is founded in any hope that someone else will see the merit of my effort as worthy, rather than the merit of the task. Which is to say that I have to stop worrying about my effort being measured, and worry more about doing good things, right now, for myself.
Oh that sounds selfish. See? My religion bears down on me again.
Ride report
in: -1'C wind 8 ks S
out: -4'C wind 2 ks W
2 comments:
Good. Kind of navel-gazy, but good.
TK
Yeah. I knew it would be. There's too much lint in there.
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