What's the point I say to myself? Even though I addressed it to the reporter, and asked that it not be considered for print, what might come of speaking your mind on an issue on which you do in fact have hard experience and evidence? I don't know anymore about standing up and speaking even if your voice shakes. I don't know anymore about trying to make a difference in some systemic way. I don't know about occupying this or that place or institution. I don't have the energy to stand in the fray and fight for what I think is right.
Have I ever had that energy? I don't know. But I'm going to sleep on it before I press send. I used to care a bit about things to do with the institutional church. I'd attend conferences and occasionally approach the mic during discussions on one issue or another. I'd say something about it. I'd feel that I had contributed. I might even have a further discussion about it in the lobby over coffee later. Now I look back with a little smile and wonder what change I thought I might actually effect.
I don't know about crusades and preaching and letting yourself be heard anymore. Sure I'll still hold forth and say regrettable things in the staff-room or the bar or at the dinner table where my ambition and damage is, of necessity, more limited in scope. I still end up wincing, or apologizing, or regretting things I've said about as many times as I feel vindicated. It's all a vestige of that evangelical zeal and certainty that seems to have been a part of the natural and nurturing gift of my parents. I say "have been" in the hopes that I have passed less of it along to my own children. Less or none at all of this sort of legacy would be a fine result. To that end I believe I'll let the saved email molder in my drafts folder.
Ride report
in: 5'C wind 10 ks NW
out: 9'C wind 18 ks NW
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